Turning One

The year passed by too quickly.  It was a blur.  I told myself to hold on to every moment, but the moments escaped.  I documented the year in pictures and posted them month by month for friends and relatives to see, and last night as I was organizing the pictures, and selecting my favorites to add to our yearly photo book, I realized that I had documented and filed over 1,000 moments of our lives last year.  I wanted to remember everything.  I wanted to be able to look back and remember the feeling of the moment.  The expression on her precious face, the excitement in his eyes.  I have realized that memories fade, and change.  January 13, last year, we welcomed our 4th child, a boy, Keegan.  Last year, our oldest child, a boy, turned 10.  And I realized in the decade since he was small, there was so much that I had forgotten.  I have pictures, and poems, and journals, but as we were watching this new baby grow, my older boy would ask questions like, "what was my favorite toy, when I was his age?" and I would not remember.  I do not remember what he felt like in my arms when he was tiny.  I can't recall the smell of his fuzzy baby head.  I know it smelled good.  I do not remember the sound of his very small voice when he began to talk, though I do know that his 1st word was 'ball', and that he walked before he talked.   And I am sad that these things ended and we moved on without ceremony, without notice, without realizing that maybe this moment was the last of its kind.  And so it was my goal, this past year, to cherish every moment, to not let it slip away unnoticed.  And still, I complained that the baby "always wants to be held" and "won't he ever stop crying"  and every time I tried to stop myself, reminding myself that some day, I would be old and alone and I would give anything to hear the sound of my sweet baby boy crying to be held.  I looked at my older children and remembered how long ago it seems that they were so small, how fast the years flew by.  And I told myself, do not wish these moments away.  And so I sat for hours, sometimes, rocking a baby , singing softly in his ear, because only his momma would do.  I kept telling myself, love him, love this, love now, enjoy this moment, because this moment is one minute closer to growing up, one minute closer to no longer wanting to snuggle, one minute closer to leaving babyhood.  And as the year came to a close, I became anxious.  By the time my third baby turned one, I was already expecting another.  That took the sting out of the last days of babyhood.  With all of the older children, it wasn't so bad.  When the first baby turned one, it was a celebration.  We made it through the first year.  He made it through the first year.  Hooray!  When the second baby turned one, I was still young, just 22, and figured there would be others.  Its not that every single baby wasn't special, they were each so precious, and so beloved, but it took me a long time to really appreciate how fast those sweet days go by.  It took me a long time to really love the baby days.  And now I really love my babies.  So I held on to every moment, I was afraid to look away, I didn't want to put him down, I didn't want to miss even one moment.  I wanted to pour out my whole self and my whole heart into this precious baby boy, and make every moment count, I needed to make sure that I loved him as much as I possibly could, so that I will not look back with regret.  I do not want to leave his babyhood thinking, if only I had held him more, if only I had picked him up sooner when he cried, if only I had played more, nursed more, loved better.  I want to leave this year knowing that I gave him everything, EVERYTHING, in his first year that I had to give.  I could not take the chance that I would miss one moment.   I know that he will not remember his first year.  But I feel a desperate need to remember every moment.  I am afraid of the day when I no longer have a baby to hold.  I am afraid that day will come too soon, and that I won't be ready to let go.  So I will celebrate, tomorrow, we will have a cake, and sing a song.  I will be joyful for his year, for this milestone, and I will take a picture or 50, to post and file and place in a book to look back on when I can no longer remember his fuzzy hair, his rosy cheeks, his messy face grinning at me with uninhibited joy.  But when no one else is looking I will bury my nose in the crook of his neck and inhale his warm baby scent, I will hug him just a little bit tighter, and rock him just a little bit longer, and when he is asleep, I will sit in silent wonder and watch his face change with his dreams, and imagine what he is thinking.  I will marvel over how much he has grown, and say a little prayer, "Dear God, thank you for this precious gift..."  And later I will browse, blurry-eyed, through the story of his first year.  Happy 1st Birthday, Keegan.  I love you more than you will ever know.

Love

1 Corrinthians 13:4-7
 "Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged.  It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance." NLT

Do you love like that?  Do you live like that?  Maybe you should.

Who I Am

I am 

Rachel

Mom of 4

Wife to Seth

Daughter

Sister

Cousin

Friend

I am

loving

gentle 

patient

kind

I am

everything

to some

I am

unknown 

to others

I am

fragile 

and 

strong

I am 

a believer

a dreamer

a thinker

a planner

I am 

everything 

I am
meant to be

I am 

undefined

I am 

me

2011

2011 was:

seven years old,
beauty growing,
finding your way in this world

a brand new boy,
precious blessing,
bundle of joy

a tiny miracle,
a decade ago,
I've been so blessed to watch you grow

my mini me,
golden curls,
how curious you are at two years old

road trip fun,
New England to Missouri,
returning in time for a hurricane

Ten years ago,
we'll never forget,
the scariest day of our lives

Snow in October,
but mostly warm fall,
then onto winter with no snow at all

He turned thirty,
so did I,
our twenties passed us quickly by

Baby's first Christmas,
we were honored this year,
to play Mary, Joseph, and Jesus, while our angels stood near

2011
now come to a close,
taught us to love, live, laugh, and grow