To forgive

I am struggling right now, trying to forgive someone that hurt me.  It keeps creeping back into my mind, and I keep trying to push it out.  I know that if I keep thinking about the things that were said, I am letting it take control.  So many people have stood up for me, with kind words, with advice, with scripture, reminding me to forgive, but it isn't instant, is it?  Sometimes, does it take some time to completely forgive?  I keep turning to God, but I feel like I am doing something wrong.   I feel like I should be able to forgive, and I want to forgive, but I can't push my hurt feelings aside yet.  They keep creeping up on me.  We are commanded to love our enemies, to forgive like God forgives.  I don't know how.  If I say that I have forgiven this person, but I still feel sad about what happened, have I really forgiven?  Is there a time limit on forgiveness?  Does it take time?  Or is that just the healing?  Is forgiveness the beginning of healing, or is it the result?  I don't know.  I am trying.

For Mitchell

This is a poem that I started for my first baby when he was born, and have added to every so often.  He was a tiny precious miracle, born 13 weeks early.  I was a 19 year old single mother trying to find my way.  He will turn 11 this month.  I am now a 30 year old wife to an amazing man and a mother to four precious miracles.  This child turned my life around, and gave me a reason for living.  I thank God every day for sending this angel to save me.  

For Mitchell

Baby boy all dressed in blue

Tiny, precious, perfect you,

Oh so little , oh so small,

but the biggest wonder of them all.

I sit and watch you while you sleep,

wrapped in future hopes and dreams

that I can't yet imagine.

In your eyes I see the strength,

the hope, the future

that is yours to make.

My dreams for you are yet unknown,

right now all I can think of is taking you home.

Little boy all dressed in blue,

today is a special day for you.

Learnig and growing every day,

amazing me in every way,

So innocent and full of joy,

today you're one, my little boy.

Walking now, and talking too,

whatever is a mother to do,

when the days go by,

like they were  minutes.

Two years old,

my how you've grown,

and want to do things on your own,

And today is the day, that now I know

we will soon have baby number two.

Blocks, and trucks, and cars, and planes,

and all of your wonderful made up games. 

You keep me busy,

You make things fun,

You've made me realize the true meaning of love.

Your baby sister was born today

What a big change for you.

Now not only are you my son,

you're a big brother, too

I know you'll be a great one,

I could tell it from the start,

the way you looked at her today,

was enough to melt my heart.

Three years old, and oh so smart,

questioning everything,

The only thing bigger than your need to know,

is your need to share your heart.

I can't believe another year's gone by,

You still amaze me every day

You've grown so much, my four year old,

in so many different ways.

Its hard to let go, its hard to hold on,

you'll understand it all someday,

But for now, little boy, I'll put on a smile,

and not let you see me cry,

when I drop you off at preschool.

How can it be that five years have gone by,

I never dreamed that I'd see this day.

You were once so tiny, so fragile, so small

But before me now stands a child,

who is brilliant, healthy and tall.

Kindergarten started today,

I sent you on your way,

with Gramma, and Grampy,

to bring you in,

I picked you up at the end of the day.

I arrived with balloons, and a gift, and a smile,

but when I saw you run out that door,

I couldn't help it, the pride took over,

and I broke down and cried.

You looked at me with your innocent eyes,

and said to me, "its ok, I missed you too,...

is kindergarten every day?!"

How did you get so big,

how did you grow so fast

How can it be that those baby days

are so far in the past?

My big boy, all dressed in blue,

six years old now, that is you

learning, growing every day,

amazing me in every way,

So independant, a baby no longer

I have learned from you how to be stronger

how to look at life with a positive view,

how to face each day like it is new.

Seven was a busy year,
a new town, new school, new friends.
It wasn't an easy year, at all,
but you came out smiling in the end.

Boyscouts, baseball, summer camp,
soccer, skating, and guitar.
Just a few things that you love,
and then there was one more.
The year that you turned eight,
another baby sister was born!

Nine-just one thing stands out in my mind.
I was told that you'd been praying
for a new baby brother.
Then, months later, you stood by my side,
just before the school year started,
and watched the screen as we all waited to see
what the newest baby would be

And to your delight, came news of a brother.

I can't believe how fast time flies,
a decade has passed in the blink of an eye.
I look at your brother,
and remember when you were tiny,
and you ask me about the things that you used to do.
Its amazing to me, how big you are now,
how strong, and handsome, and kind.
You play in the band, you read big kid books,
you run, you laugh, you are loved by all who know you.
I just can't believe how blessed I have been
to be a part of your life.

The greatest thing that has happened to me

is this little life, that came to be,

that showed me to love,

that opened my eyes,

that showed me its ok to cry,

and laugh, and learn, and make mistakes

and sometimes a smile is all that it takes.

My Shadow (for Audrey)

I have a little shadow,
She's only 3 feet tall,
She follows me everywhere I go,
She copies my every move.

She says the words she hears me say,
She likes the things I like,
She's always watching, never stopping,
She learns everything from me.

She watches while I fold the clothes,
and scrub the floors, and cook our food.
She likes to try my makeup on,
and wear my pretty shoes.

She hears the way I speak to others,
and how I talk about myself,
She sees the way I love her Dad,
And the way he loves me back.

She's with me every day,
Almost everywhere I go.
And every time I turn around,
my shadow smiles up at me.

I have to be so careful,
With my shadow watching me,
To be the very best person,
That my shadow needs me to be.