Letting Go

We are ready for school to start tomorrow.  We are in a new town, at new schools.  The kids are very excited.  We have all the backpacks, binders, folders, pencils, pens, book covers, lunch boxes, and completed summer math packets ready to go.  Mitchell has his uniforms and a new pair of shoes.  Alexis picked out the perfect outfit.  We are ready for school!

I am not ready for school to start tomorrow.  I am not ready to let them go.  Alexis will walk to school this year.  Its only a half mile away, just 10 minutes.  I will walk with her to start the year, but already she is asking if she can walk alone, with a friend, maybe after a week could I just stay home?  Mitchell has to catch the middle school bus, almost a mile from our home.  Its up a big hill, and around a few corners, but he asked me to wait for the bus at the end of the day, so he knows which stop is his.  After all, we just moved in.  I am not ready for summer to end.  We were having fun.  I am not ready to let them go, to watch the door close on another piece of their childhood.  I am not ready for growing up.  I am not ready for peer pressure, stranger danger, independence, big responsibilities. I am not ready for homework.  I am not ready for another year to fly by.  I am not ready to watch them walk out that door ALONE.

But I will trust, because I have to.  I will trust that I taught them the things that they need to know when venturing out into the neighborhood.  I will trust that they will find a friend to walk with.  I have to believe that they will arrive safely at school each day.  I will be waiting when they get home.  I will ask, and check, and talk, and listen.  I might be tempted to follow them.  But then they will think that I don't trust them, and if I don't trust them, how will they ever learn to be trustworthy?  I will trust that they will do the right thing, and tell me if they know of someone who is not.  I will trust that they will be brave, and strong, and kind.  I will trust myself, that I have done the best that I can, and it is time to let them go, let them learn, let them be, let them grow.  I will keep an open heart, an open mind, open arms, an open door.  Tomorrow, next week, next month, next year.  They have to grow up, I have to let go.  We are ready for school to start tomorrow.

To My 18 Year Old Self

Inspired by Baby Center blogger Melissa Byers.  If you could enlighten your 18 year old self  about what the future holds, what would you say?

Dear 18 year old self,
You have so much to learn.  I know you think you have it all figured out, you have a plan; college, maybe military service, career, marriage,  kids.  That's not how its going to go.  But, you'll find out what happens is even better.  In ten or so year's time, you will have learned that success is not about the degree hanging on your wall, it is not about the job that you have or the friends that you've kept or made.  It is not about the plans you've made or the failures that you have encountered.  Its not about the money you make or the house you live in.  No, in ten years you will have learned that your life, your success, is all about the four pairs of hands that hold your heart.  They will be your whole world.  And you will be theirs.  You will be their sun and their moon.  You will be the brightest star in their night sky.  You will be their best friend and, at times, their worst enemy.  You will be their rock, their hero, their confidant.  You will be a teacher, a mentor, a nurse, a problem solver, a story teller, a fixer of things needing fixing.  You will love them so much that it will make you cry.  You will love them so much that you will wonder constantly if you are doing it "right".  The answer will be no and also yes.  It will be an honor and privilege to be called their mother.  You will marry the love of your life, and he will give you everything.  He will be right there beside you, holding your hand, encouraging you, loving you, telling you you're beautiful.  You should believe him.  He will work hard so that you can stay home to raise your children, and all that he will ever ask in return is that you love him back.  Just when you think you have the mothering thing down, and have learned all the tricks, you will be blessed with a little boy whose spirit is too large to be contained by his small body.  He will be wild.  He will be loud and intense and stubborn.  He will run and jump and climb.  He will scream and fight and yell.  And he will love you so intensely that when he throws his chubby arms around your neck the world will stop spinning and angels will sing, and all that will be heard is the thumping of your heart in your chest.  And it will only last a moment before he is squirming to be let go.  You will learn more from your children than you could ever learn in any school.  They will bring more sunshine and laughter into your home than you could ever imagine even existed.  They will be your light during your darkest days.  They will give you purpose and meaning and direction.  You will sacrifice everything for them, but it will not feel like sacrifice, it will feel like love, and you will learn that what you give them doesn't hold a light to what they give you.  In the end, it will not matter that boy friends broke you heart, friends moved away, plans were not kept.  You will learn to trust God.  You will learn that you father was right about everything, he is a smart man, tell him you love him.  You will learn that your sister will be your best friend forever.  Walk through life with a smile on your face.  You have a lot to smile about!  You will have a beautiful life.

With Love,
Me, 13 years later