To forgive

I am struggling right now, trying to forgive someone that hurt me.  It keeps creeping back into my mind, and I keep trying to push it out.  I know that if I keep thinking about the things that were said, I am letting it take control.  So many people have stood up for me, with kind words, with advice, with scripture, reminding me to forgive, but it isn't instant, is it?  Sometimes, does it take some time to completely forgive?  I keep turning to God, but I feel like I am doing something wrong.   I feel like I should be able to forgive, and I want to forgive, but I can't push my hurt feelings aside yet.  They keep creeping up on me.  We are commanded to love our enemies, to forgive like God forgives.  I don't know how.  If I say that I have forgiven this person, but I still feel sad about what happened, have I really forgiven?  Is there a time limit on forgiveness?  Does it take time?  Or is that just the healing?  Is forgiveness the beginning of healing, or is it the result?  I don't know.  I am trying.

For Mitchell

This is a poem that I started for my first baby when he was born, and have added to every so often.  He was a tiny precious miracle, born 13 weeks early.  I was a 19 year old single mother trying to find my way.  He will turn 11 this month.  I am now a 30 year old wife to an amazing man and a mother to four precious miracles.  This child turned my life around, and gave me a reason for living.  I thank God every day for sending this angel to save me.  

For Mitchell

Baby boy all dressed in blue

Tiny, precious, perfect you,

Oh so little , oh so small,

but the biggest wonder of them all.

I sit and watch you while you sleep,

wrapped in future hopes and dreams

that I can't yet imagine.

In your eyes I see the strength,

the hope, the future

that is yours to make.

My dreams for you are yet unknown,

right now all I can think of is taking you home.

Little boy all dressed in blue,

today is a special day for you.

Learnig and growing every day,

amazing me in every way,

So innocent and full of joy,

today you're one, my little boy.

Walking now, and talking too,

whatever is a mother to do,

when the days go by,

like they were  minutes.

Two years old,

my how you've grown,

and want to do things on your own,

And today is the day, that now I know

we will soon have baby number two.

Blocks, and trucks, and cars, and planes,

and all of your wonderful made up games. 

You keep me busy,

You make things fun,

You've made me realize the true meaning of love.

Your baby sister was born today

What a big change for you.

Now not only are you my son,

you're a big brother, too

I know you'll be a great one,

I could tell it from the start,

the way you looked at her today,

was enough to melt my heart.

Three years old, and oh so smart,

questioning everything,

The only thing bigger than your need to know,

is your need to share your heart.

I can't believe another year's gone by,

You still amaze me every day

You've grown so much, my four year old,

in so many different ways.

Its hard to let go, its hard to hold on,

you'll understand it all someday,

But for now, little boy, I'll put on a smile,

and not let you see me cry,

when I drop you off at preschool.

How can it be that five years have gone by,

I never dreamed that I'd see this day.

You were once so tiny, so fragile, so small

But before me now stands a child,

who is brilliant, healthy and tall.

Kindergarten started today,

I sent you on your way,

with Gramma, and Grampy,

to bring you in,

I picked you up at the end of the day.

I arrived with balloons, and a gift, and a smile,

but when I saw you run out that door,

I couldn't help it, the pride took over,

and I broke down and cried.

You looked at me with your innocent eyes,

and said to me, "its ok, I missed you too,...

is kindergarten every day?!"

How did you get so big,

how did you grow so fast

How can it be that those baby days

are so far in the past?

My big boy, all dressed in blue,

six years old now, that is you

learning, growing every day,

amazing me in every way,

So independant, a baby no longer

I have learned from you how to be stronger

how to look at life with a positive view,

how to face each day like it is new.

Seven was a busy year,
a new town, new school, new friends.
It wasn't an easy year, at all,
but you came out smiling in the end.

Boyscouts, baseball, summer camp,
soccer, skating, and guitar.
Just a few things that you love,
and then there was one more.
The year that you turned eight,
another baby sister was born!

Nine-just one thing stands out in my mind.
I was told that you'd been praying
for a new baby brother.
Then, months later, you stood by my side,
just before the school year started,
and watched the screen as we all waited to see
what the newest baby would be

And to your delight, came news of a brother.

I can't believe how fast time flies,
a decade has passed in the blink of an eye.
I look at your brother,
and remember when you were tiny,
and you ask me about the things that you used to do.
Its amazing to me, how big you are now,
how strong, and handsome, and kind.
You play in the band, you read big kid books,
you run, you laugh, you are loved by all who know you.
I just can't believe how blessed I have been
to be a part of your life.

The greatest thing that has happened to me

is this little life, that came to be,

that showed me to love,

that opened my eyes,

that showed me its ok to cry,

and laugh, and learn, and make mistakes

and sometimes a smile is all that it takes.

My Shadow (for Audrey)

I have a little shadow,
She's only 3 feet tall,
She follows me everywhere I go,
She copies my every move.

She says the words she hears me say,
She likes the things I like,
She's always watching, never stopping,
She learns everything from me.

She watches while I fold the clothes,
and scrub the floors, and cook our food.
She likes to try my makeup on,
and wear my pretty shoes.

She hears the way I speak to others,
and how I talk about myself,
She sees the way I love her Dad,
And the way he loves me back.

She's with me every day,
Almost everywhere I go.
And every time I turn around,
my shadow smiles up at me.

I have to be so careful,
With my shadow watching me,
To be the very best person,
That my shadow needs me to be.

Turning One

The year passed by too quickly.  It was a blur.  I told myself to hold on to every moment, but the moments escaped.  I documented the year in pictures and posted them month by month for friends and relatives to see, and last night as I was organizing the pictures, and selecting my favorites to add to our yearly photo book, I realized that I had documented and filed over 1,000 moments of our lives last year.  I wanted to remember everything.  I wanted to be able to look back and remember the feeling of the moment.  The expression on her precious face, the excitement in his eyes.  I have realized that memories fade, and change.  January 13, last year, we welcomed our 4th child, a boy, Keegan.  Last year, our oldest child, a boy, turned 10.  And I realized in the decade since he was small, there was so much that I had forgotten.  I have pictures, and poems, and journals, but as we were watching this new baby grow, my older boy would ask questions like, "what was my favorite toy, when I was his age?" and I would not remember.  I do not remember what he felt like in my arms when he was tiny.  I can't recall the smell of his fuzzy baby head.  I know it smelled good.  I do not remember the sound of his very small voice when he began to talk, though I do know that his 1st word was 'ball', and that he walked before he talked.   And I am sad that these things ended and we moved on without ceremony, without notice, without realizing that maybe this moment was the last of its kind.  And so it was my goal, this past year, to cherish every moment, to not let it slip away unnoticed.  And still, I complained that the baby "always wants to be held" and "won't he ever stop crying"  and every time I tried to stop myself, reminding myself that some day, I would be old and alone and I would give anything to hear the sound of my sweet baby boy crying to be held.  I looked at my older children and remembered how long ago it seems that they were so small, how fast the years flew by.  And I told myself, do not wish these moments away.  And so I sat for hours, sometimes, rocking a baby , singing softly in his ear, because only his momma would do.  I kept telling myself, love him, love this, love now, enjoy this moment, because this moment is one minute closer to growing up, one minute closer to no longer wanting to snuggle, one minute closer to leaving babyhood.  And as the year came to a close, I became anxious.  By the time my third baby turned one, I was already expecting another.  That took the sting out of the last days of babyhood.  With all of the older children, it wasn't so bad.  When the first baby turned one, it was a celebration.  We made it through the first year.  He made it through the first year.  Hooray!  When the second baby turned one, I was still young, just 22, and figured there would be others.  Its not that every single baby wasn't special, they were each so precious, and so beloved, but it took me a long time to really appreciate how fast those sweet days go by.  It took me a long time to really love the baby days.  And now I really love my babies.  So I held on to every moment, I was afraid to look away, I didn't want to put him down, I didn't want to miss even one moment.  I wanted to pour out my whole self and my whole heart into this precious baby boy, and make every moment count, I needed to make sure that I loved him as much as I possibly could, so that I will not look back with regret.  I do not want to leave his babyhood thinking, if only I had held him more, if only I had picked him up sooner when he cried, if only I had played more, nursed more, loved better.  I want to leave this year knowing that I gave him everything, EVERYTHING, in his first year that I had to give.  I could not take the chance that I would miss one moment.   I know that he will not remember his first year.  But I feel a desperate need to remember every moment.  I am afraid of the day when I no longer have a baby to hold.  I am afraid that day will come too soon, and that I won't be ready to let go.  So I will celebrate, tomorrow, we will have a cake, and sing a song.  I will be joyful for his year, for this milestone, and I will take a picture or 50, to post and file and place in a book to look back on when I can no longer remember his fuzzy hair, his rosy cheeks, his messy face grinning at me with uninhibited joy.  But when no one else is looking I will bury my nose in the crook of his neck and inhale his warm baby scent, I will hug him just a little bit tighter, and rock him just a little bit longer, and when he is asleep, I will sit in silent wonder and watch his face change with his dreams, and imagine what he is thinking.  I will marvel over how much he has grown, and say a little prayer, "Dear God, thank you for this precious gift..."  And later I will browse, blurry-eyed, through the story of his first year.  Happy 1st Birthday, Keegan.  I love you more than you will ever know.

Love

1 Corrinthians 13:4-7
 "Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged.  It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance." NLT

Do you love like that?  Do you live like that?  Maybe you should.

Who I Am

I am 

Rachel

Mom of 4

Wife to Seth

Daughter

Sister

Cousin

Friend

I am

loving

gentle 

patient

kind

I am

everything

to some

I am

unknown 

to others

I am

fragile 

and 

strong

I am 

a believer

a dreamer

a thinker

a planner

I am 

everything 

I am
meant to be

I am 

undefined

I am 

me

2011

2011 was:

seven years old,
beauty growing,
finding your way in this world

a brand new boy,
precious blessing,
bundle of joy

a tiny miracle,
a decade ago,
I've been so blessed to watch you grow

my mini me,
golden curls,
how curious you are at two years old

road trip fun,
New England to Missouri,
returning in time for a hurricane

Ten years ago,
we'll never forget,
the scariest day of our lives

Snow in October,
but mostly warm fall,
then onto winter with no snow at all

He turned thirty,
so did I,
our twenties passed us quickly by

Baby's first Christmas,
we were honored this year,
to play Mary, Joseph, and Jesus, while our angels stood near

2011
now come to a close,
taught us to love, live, laugh, and grow