Letting Go

We are ready for school to start tomorrow.  We are in a new town, at new schools.  The kids are very excited.  We have all the backpacks, binders, folders, pencils, pens, book covers, lunch boxes, and completed summer math packets ready to go.  Mitchell has his uniforms and a new pair of shoes.  Alexis picked out the perfect outfit.  We are ready for school!

I am not ready for school to start tomorrow.  I am not ready to let them go.  Alexis will walk to school this year.  Its only a half mile away, just 10 minutes.  I will walk with her to start the year, but already she is asking if she can walk alone, with a friend, maybe after a week could I just stay home?  Mitchell has to catch the middle school bus, almost a mile from our home.  Its up a big hill, and around a few corners, but he asked me to wait for the bus at the end of the day, so he knows which stop is his.  After all, we just moved in.  I am not ready for summer to end.  We were having fun.  I am not ready to let them go, to watch the door close on another piece of their childhood.  I am not ready for growing up.  I am not ready for peer pressure, stranger danger, independence, big responsibilities. I am not ready for homework.  I am not ready for another year to fly by.  I am not ready to watch them walk out that door ALONE.

But I will trust, because I have to.  I will trust that I taught them the things that they need to know when venturing out into the neighborhood.  I will trust that they will find a friend to walk with.  I have to believe that they will arrive safely at school each day.  I will be waiting when they get home.  I will ask, and check, and talk, and listen.  I might be tempted to follow them.  But then they will think that I don't trust them, and if I don't trust them, how will they ever learn to be trustworthy?  I will trust that they will do the right thing, and tell me if they know of someone who is not.  I will trust that they will be brave, and strong, and kind.  I will trust myself, that I have done the best that I can, and it is time to let them go, let them learn, let them be, let them grow.  I will keep an open heart, an open mind, open arms, an open door.  Tomorrow, next week, next month, next year.  They have to grow up, I have to let go.  We are ready for school to start tomorrow.

To My 18 Year Old Self

Inspired by Baby Center blogger Melissa Byers.  If you could enlighten your 18 year old self  about what the future holds, what would you say?

Dear 18 year old self,
You have so much to learn.  I know you think you have it all figured out, you have a plan; college, maybe military service, career, marriage,  kids.  That's not how its going to go.  But, you'll find out what happens is even better.  In ten or so year's time, you will have learned that success is not about the degree hanging on your wall, it is not about the job that you have or the friends that you've kept or made.  It is not about the plans you've made or the failures that you have encountered.  Its not about the money you make or the house you live in.  No, in ten years you will have learned that your life, your success, is all about the four pairs of hands that hold your heart.  They will be your whole world.  And you will be theirs.  You will be their sun and their moon.  You will be the brightest star in their night sky.  You will be their best friend and, at times, their worst enemy.  You will be their rock, their hero, their confidant.  You will be a teacher, a mentor, a nurse, a problem solver, a story teller, a fixer of things needing fixing.  You will love them so much that it will make you cry.  You will love them so much that you will wonder constantly if you are doing it "right".  The answer will be no and also yes.  It will be an honor and privilege to be called their mother.  You will marry the love of your life, and he will give you everything.  He will be right there beside you, holding your hand, encouraging you, loving you, telling you you're beautiful.  You should believe him.  He will work hard so that you can stay home to raise your children, and all that he will ever ask in return is that you love him back.  Just when you think you have the mothering thing down, and have learned all the tricks, you will be blessed with a little boy whose spirit is too large to be contained by his small body.  He will be wild.  He will be loud and intense and stubborn.  He will run and jump and climb.  He will scream and fight and yell.  And he will love you so intensely that when he throws his chubby arms around your neck the world will stop spinning and angels will sing, and all that will be heard is the thumping of your heart in your chest.  And it will only last a moment before he is squirming to be let go.  You will learn more from your children than you could ever learn in any school.  They will bring more sunshine and laughter into your home than you could ever imagine even existed.  They will be your light during your darkest days.  They will give you purpose and meaning and direction.  You will sacrifice everything for them, but it will not feel like sacrifice, it will feel like love, and you will learn that what you give them doesn't hold a light to what they give you.  In the end, it will not matter that boy friends broke you heart, friends moved away, plans were not kept.  You will learn to trust God.  You will learn that you father was right about everything, he is a smart man, tell him you love him.  You will learn that your sister will be your best friend forever.  Walk through life with a smile on your face.  You have a lot to smile about!  You will have a beautiful life.

With Love,
Me, 13 years later

Hungry Children

I took Mitchell(11) and Alexis(8) to an event today that was put together by an amazing young woman that we know from church.  It was a "mobile pack" event for a Christian charity called "Feed my Starving Children."  Please check out this amazing organization at FMSC.org.  The idea is that as person or group raises money and recruits volunteers and then FMSC workers bring a tractor trailer truck full of supplies to a location where all the volunteers scoop, pour, bag, weigh, seal, and pack a specially formulated mix of rice, dried vegetables, powdered chicken flavor, and soy protein.  The organization then takes the prepared boxes to a distribution center and sends the meals to missionaries all over the world to distribute to starving children.

The children and I spent just over 2 ours helping on our "shift" today.  Aside from the births of my own children, it may have been the most meaningful 2 hours I've ever spent doing anything.

Here is what we learned today:

- 18,000 children die around the world every day because they do not have a reliable food source

- FMSC has over a 99% delivery rate on the food packs that they ship

- through FMSC a meal for a child costs about $0.23

- in the 2 hours that the children and I were there we, along with the other volunteers, packed 170 boxes of food.  Each box holds 36 bags, and each bag provides 6 meals, that's 36,720 meals, or enough food to feed 100 children one meal per day for a year

- over the course of the day volunteers at this one event packed over 101,000 meals

- FMSC is FDA regulated and adheres to food safety policies such as hair nets, hand washing, and food handlers wearing gloves

- children as young as 5 are able to help at "mobile pack" events

Here is what my children took away from today:

- we have a lot of food here in the US

- we don't have to eat mud

- it was really fun

- we helped 100 children today

- teamwork and cooperation get a lot accomplished in a little time

- 2 hours is not that long

- helping others can be fun and makes you feel good

- we CAN help, we can make a difference

Here is what I learned about my children:

- they have really good hearts

- they are capable of doing good for the world, even though they are young

- they are strong

- they are learning compassion

- they did not complain once that the work was too hard, too boring, or that they were too tired

- they smiled the whole time


At the end of our packing shift, the group was asked to pray over the boxes of food.  Alexis volunteered to lead the prayer.  I will admit to being a bit surprised, but she spoke the prayer in front of nearly 100 people, and thanked God for the volunteers, the food for the starving children, and the chance to help.  Amazing.  

Fresh Air and Sunshine

I sit here now, the babies all bathed and sleeping after a wonderful day visiting with friends, swimming, a cookout, laughter, sunshine, all the best parts of summer.  I watched them play all afternoon, the babies splashing in the shallow water of the lake, pink cheeked, with their golden hair bleached white from the summer sun.  And my big kids, so tan, so tall, freckles falling across their noses, swimming out far in the deeper water, diving and racing, when did they learn to swim so well?  All day, I talked with friends that I hadn't seen all summer, because hadn't we all been so busy, aren't we always, but all day, too, I kept thinking...this is it.  This is the last cook out, the last swim, the last sand covered baby.  School starts here in two days, and while it will be warm enough, and summery enough for another month, maybe, we will be busy with homework, sports, scouts, activities.  So this is it, the end of summer, and I am so, so sad.  Sometime this week, I will wash the life vests, hose down the sand toys, I will un-inflate the baby float for the last time(the last time!).  I will pack away the swim diapers, will they even need diapers by next summer?  Did you notice, the days are getting shorter, its darker out in the morning when we wake, and its dark again when we put the babies down to sleep.  While many parents are counting down the days with joy, I am not. I like the fall, its my favorite season, but... I would like to keep them a while longer, I would like to keep playing their games and watching them grow.  I would like more time to hike and bike and camp and play, to push them on swings, and slide them down slides, to explore new lakes and playgrounds and trails, to teach them more names of flowers and bugs, and tell them more stories that begin with, "when I was your age..."  We had a great summer and I don't want it to end.  At the playground with a friend the other day, we were marveling over how much all of our children have grown in such a short time, and I decided that it must be sunshine and fresh air that grows children.

How can it be that at the beginning of summer my oldest was just leaving elementary school, but now, in just days he will be in MIDDLE SCHOOL?!  As in, he's a BIG kid now!  A preteen, even.  And all of his pants are 2 inches too short.  At the beginning of this summer, I had an 8 year old girl, who had little interest in her "baby" sister.  Who would have known that by the time school started, they would be best friends.  Speaking of baby sisters, she turned 3 at the start of summer, and the fresh air and sunshine transformed my bubbly, bouncy toddler into a talkative and imaginative preschooler, who grew very tall, AND learned to swim and ride a tricycle.  And the baby, my sweet baby, three months ago, he was just taking his first steps, and now, just try to slow him down!!  He can run and jump, climb, swing, slide and talk, talk, talk!  He has no trouble keeping up with the big kids.  I just keep thinking to myself, hey wasn't it just yesterday that...?  It couldn't have been, no, but it was.  It doesn't slow down does it?  I got a little nervous, at the fair the other day, because I saw a lot of kids, not much older than my oldest, walking around in groups without parents, and it reminded me that the day is coming that he, too, would rather be with his friends, and I will have to let him go.  I am stuck between the thoughts- "Wow, look how far they've come" and "Hey, why can't they stay small?"  But most of all, I am overcome with gratitude, just for being given the chance to witness it all.  

“How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.”
― A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh

Ashamed

I am ashamed that my children don't behave as well as you think they should.  I am even more ashamed that I do not know how to make them behave that way.  Burning tears well up in my eyes when I see the way you look at me, dripping with judgement, I am not good enough.  But when I scold my child, your glare remains, I guess I did it wrong.  I hang my head and leave the room, taking my noisy, messy inconveniences with me.  I calm them down, and walk back in, but you quickly whip around and your eyes say it all, "you are not welcome here."  I am ashamed that my beautiful gifts bother you.  I am sorry for you that you have no patience for God's greatest gifts.  I am ashamed to be in the same room with you.  I am embarrassed that every Sunday one of my babies cries during church, and you twist and turn in your seat, craning your neck to see which one it is, which poor young mother can't keep her babies quiet.  We get up to leave, to make our way to the nursery, before we disturb you any more.  I look at the floor to avoid the stares, but I can feel your eyes on me, I am ashamed to have to leave the service, again.  I am sad that we are not welcome.  I am so frustrated with the whole situation.  I am ashamed that you think I am not good enough.  Tears roll slowly, silently down my face, I take a deep breath and bury my face in my baby's warm neck.  Am I good enough?  Maybe, probably not.
Did I miss it in the parenting books?  Was there a chapter, "How to make a baby not cry", "How to make a toddler sit silently"  If you are able to do that, why aren't you telling me how?  Why, instead, are you glaring at me, "shut that baby up!"  Can't you tell I'm trying?  Don't you know that I want to be a good mother?  Don't you know that I want to do everything right, and nothing wrong?  Don't you know that I try so hard every single day?  I guess you know that I have failed.  I am ashamed.

To forgive

I am struggling right now, trying to forgive someone that hurt me.  It keeps creeping back into my mind, and I keep trying to push it out.  I know that if I keep thinking about the things that were said, I am letting it take control.  So many people have stood up for me, with kind words, with advice, with scripture, reminding me to forgive, but it isn't instant, is it?  Sometimes, does it take some time to completely forgive?  I keep turning to God, but I feel like I am doing something wrong.   I feel like I should be able to forgive, and I want to forgive, but I can't push my hurt feelings aside yet.  They keep creeping up on me.  We are commanded to love our enemies, to forgive like God forgives.  I don't know how.  If I say that I have forgiven this person, but I still feel sad about what happened, have I really forgiven?  Is there a time limit on forgiveness?  Does it take time?  Or is that just the healing?  Is forgiveness the beginning of healing, or is it the result?  I don't know.  I am trying.

For Mitchell

This is a poem that I started for my first baby when he was born, and have added to every so often.  He was a tiny precious miracle, born 13 weeks early.  I was a 19 year old single mother trying to find my way.  He will turn 11 this month.  I am now a 30 year old wife to an amazing man and a mother to four precious miracles.  This child turned my life around, and gave me a reason for living.  I thank God every day for sending this angel to save me.  

For Mitchell

Baby boy all dressed in blue

Tiny, precious, perfect you,

Oh so little , oh so small,

but the biggest wonder of them all.

I sit and watch you while you sleep,

wrapped in future hopes and dreams

that I can't yet imagine.

In your eyes I see the strength,

the hope, the future

that is yours to make.

My dreams for you are yet unknown,

right now all I can think of is taking you home.

Little boy all dressed in blue,

today is a special day for you.

Learnig and growing every day,

amazing me in every way,

So innocent and full of joy,

today you're one, my little boy.

Walking now, and talking too,

whatever is a mother to do,

when the days go by,

like they were  minutes.

Two years old,

my how you've grown,

and want to do things on your own,

And today is the day, that now I know

we will soon have baby number two.

Blocks, and trucks, and cars, and planes,

and all of your wonderful made up games. 

You keep me busy,

You make things fun,

You've made me realize the true meaning of love.

Your baby sister was born today

What a big change for you.

Now not only are you my son,

you're a big brother, too

I know you'll be a great one,

I could tell it from the start,

the way you looked at her today,

was enough to melt my heart.

Three years old, and oh so smart,

questioning everything,

The only thing bigger than your need to know,

is your need to share your heart.

I can't believe another year's gone by,

You still amaze me every day

You've grown so much, my four year old,

in so many different ways.

Its hard to let go, its hard to hold on,

you'll understand it all someday,

But for now, little boy, I'll put on a smile,

and not let you see me cry,

when I drop you off at preschool.

How can it be that five years have gone by,

I never dreamed that I'd see this day.

You were once so tiny, so fragile, so small

But before me now stands a child,

who is brilliant, healthy and tall.

Kindergarten started today,

I sent you on your way,

with Gramma, and Grampy,

to bring you in,

I picked you up at the end of the day.

I arrived with balloons, and a gift, and a smile,

but when I saw you run out that door,

I couldn't help it, the pride took over,

and I broke down and cried.

You looked at me with your innocent eyes,

and said to me, "its ok, I missed you too,...

is kindergarten every day?!"

How did you get so big,

how did you grow so fast

How can it be that those baby days

are so far in the past?

My big boy, all dressed in blue,

six years old now, that is you

learning, growing every day,

amazing me in every way,

So independant, a baby no longer

I have learned from you how to be stronger

how to look at life with a positive view,

how to face each day like it is new.

Seven was a busy year,
a new town, new school, new friends.
It wasn't an easy year, at all,
but you came out smiling in the end.

Boyscouts, baseball, summer camp,
soccer, skating, and guitar.
Just a few things that you love,
and then there was one more.
The year that you turned eight,
another baby sister was born!

Nine-just one thing stands out in my mind.
I was told that you'd been praying
for a new baby brother.
Then, months later, you stood by my side,
just before the school year started,
and watched the screen as we all waited to see
what the newest baby would be

And to your delight, came news of a brother.

I can't believe how fast time flies,
a decade has passed in the blink of an eye.
I look at your brother,
and remember when you were tiny,
and you ask me about the things that you used to do.
Its amazing to me, how big you are now,
how strong, and handsome, and kind.
You play in the band, you read big kid books,
you run, you laugh, you are loved by all who know you.
I just can't believe how blessed I have been
to be a part of your life.

The greatest thing that has happened to me

is this little life, that came to be,

that showed me to love,

that opened my eyes,

that showed me its ok to cry,

and laugh, and learn, and make mistakes

and sometimes a smile is all that it takes.